I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
