I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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