So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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