I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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