i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
