I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
