We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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