I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
