Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
