but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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