nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize