i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
