No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
