Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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