Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
