i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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