Church boner. Awkwardddd
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
