Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
