I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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