I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
