Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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