its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
