Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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