I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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