I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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