I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize