What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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