Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize