if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
People in love make me want to vomit
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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