jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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