I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
