I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
