it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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