i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
