The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
