Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize