Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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