never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
