he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
