I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
