she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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