I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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