please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
