I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
