Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
