There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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