I'm really into asian looking animals
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
