Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize