you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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