Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
