When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize