The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
