Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
