Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
