a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
