So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
