My sheets look like a crime scene.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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