so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
if only i could text you this smell
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize