No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
