This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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