My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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