I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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